I miss my dad. He was/is such a neat guy with such a great perspective. I always loved asking him for advice, or answers to questions. He always seemed to know exactly the answer that I needed to hear. I look up to him. Now he looks down on me. I know he is with me, still helping me through life.
A couple of weeks ago, I was giving Grayson a bath. He looked at me and gave me the biggest grin. Then, he looked directly up and over my shoulder, stared for a while, then gave the biggest smile. I know he was smiling at my dad. I have tears in my eyes just thinking about it. That was such a tender mercy for me on that day, and I know Heavenly Father has been giving me tender mercies when I need them, because He knows how much I miss my dad.
I have a handful of things that I cherish since my dad's passing in 2007. One of them is a small, daily journal** that I gave to him in 1999, the year of his first diagnosis with cancer. His pancreatic cancer, which he survived (even though the likelihood of survival is less than 5% and for less than five years--I am so grateful for the extra 9 years I spent with my father...especially the time during his last summer here on earth). Anyway, this journal asks a question for each day of the year, and is a prompt for journal writing.
I love this small journal because it has my dad's handwriting in it. I know that he held it, and took the time to answer the questions thoughtfully, and that he made this effort because I asked him to. In the journal, it reveals his wit, knowledge, sensitivity, sarcasm, responsibility, and on and on. It reveals his character and the things that made him, him. I love it.
I made a lot of decisions in my life based on whether or not it would make my dad happy. Would it make him proud. I have said this before, but he is the main reason I was able to finish college. I wanted to drop out, because it was so hard, but I finished, and it was largely because of him. He had such a profound influence on my life, and I feel robbed that I don't have him anymore.
But, I know he is whispering in my ear, telling me I am a good mother, and wife, and friend. He tells me that I am doing the right things, and that he is proud of me and the choices that I am making.
On the journal page for December 25, the question is: "Tell about the most memorable gifts I have given you". He wrote, "Your unlimited ability to grow into womanhood. Knowing you have the intelligence to make right choices to be a contributing member of society. The gift of happiness knowing you are my daughter. Love you, Julie".
So sweet. What a great reminder of the love he has for me.
My dad was funny. For today's date, October 28, the question in the journal asked, "Did you tell ghost stories?". His answer, "Not when I was young- my real life stories were bad enough!". Ha! He was raised on a ranch and life was hard. It was a lot of work!
I just hope that I can be the type of parent for my children that my parents were for me. I have amazing parents. I love them both very dearly, and they will always hold a special place in my heart.
**Dad, Share Your Life With Me, by Kathleen Lashier
4 comments:
I'm one of those aweful blog lurkers...you know...the kind that faithfully reads multiple blogs (daily, even!) without commenting - ever! I wanted to break my pattern today to say that I'm glad you took the time to post. I really enjoyed reading about your memories of your dad. You were (and are) so blessed to have a wonderful man in your life to encourage you and leave you a worthy example. Very few people have that! Have a blessed day, my friend!
I love this post, Julie, and I love that book. I never knew him very well at all and I loved reading it. I even made one for my own parents because I realized how much of a difference that made for you all.
What a sweet post! You look a lot like your dad.
I've often wondered what my babies are staring at so intently when it looks like they are focused on nothing, but I wouldn't be at all surprised to find they have the ability to see things we don't.
I gave my dad one of those books after seeing yours. He's had it for two years and filled about as many pages. I should probably pester him about it more often, but it sounds like your dad wrote freely out of love and especially for you. What a neat gift to you!
I know this time of year is hard for you. You'll have him again.
You made me cry!
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