I feel like a hypocrite. Let me tell you why.
Just before Jader got sick I was PMS'ing and I was being a major B!t*h. I didn't know it was PMS because I was almost convinced I was pregnant. But, finally Aunt Flow came to visit, and it explained why I was behaving the way I was.
You see, every once and a while, (read: once a month-translate to PMS) I get overwhelmed with motherhood. And the responsibilities of taking care of a home. And making dinner every night. And trying to be happy. about. it. ALL.
I just get to a point where I almost break and I can't handle it. Then I start singing the 'Wo is Me' song. You know that song, right? And, to tell the truth, I think my husband is quite tired of that song. At least once a month he gets tired of the song.
Last Friday I was feeling especially overwhelmed with life and my role in this life. I let all these feelings overwhelm me and get all pent up and start to fester. Then, when I felt like it, I was getting ready to release it all on my poor sweet husband. Thankfully, just when I was about to start saying some not so nice things, he got a work call and excused himself from the room. While he was taking the call, I fell asleep (still mad, mind you), but I woke up in the morning very grateful that I didn't say any of the things I was thinking because I didn't really mean them.
Saturday, Aunt Flow came and the light inside just clicked. I was fine after that. Well, except for the cramps and all the fun stuff that comes along with the visit for the next four or five days.
Then on Monday, Jader gets sick and I start reflecting on how grateful I am to be a mom and how much I love being a mother. I love being able to sooth and relax my daughter. I love that she wants me to hold her, and that I am the only one she will accept to care for her. I enjoy that she is plastered to my body and that I get to hold her, because when she is well, she doesn't slow down long enough for me to love on her.
This is where the hypocritical part of the story comes to play. Today is Thursday, and for the past 72 hours I have had a baby attached to me. For the past three days, it has been a rare occasion to be able to shower, or eat, or even brush my teeth. I haven't cooked anything because she won't let me put her down. She wants to sleep on me, and when she isn't asleep, she still wants me to hold her. So, none of the dishes have been done, the bathrooms haven't been cleaned, and the laundry is still dirty.
The very chores I was complaining about having to do the prior week, I was complaining that I couldn't get them done this week. Hmmm....interesting, eh? I longed to put her down so I could do some chores. I longed to have a friend call and say 'What can I do for you?' to which I would answer, 'Please clean my kitchen'. And when I did have a friend stop by to visit and offer her services to clean my kitchen, I refused to let her. I didn't want her to have to clean my house for me. We opted to visit, which I found to be very therapeutic and a much needed break in my day.
I want badly for my daughter to get well. That way I can go back to complaining that she is such a busy body and I never get to hold her. I'll also complain about how much I hate cleaning the house and having to cook dinner all the time.
If you're still reading this post full of whining, then I totally consider you my friend. Lest I leave you unfulfilled and in a state of pondering your role in life, I wanted to share a fun fact tidbit.
Have you ever heard of Google Trends? It is an idea from the Google Lab that isn't fully developed yet. It is a program that tells you what the top Google searches are. It provides a comprehensive list of the top 100 searches, and it is updated regularly. This is the kind of information that I find fascinating. I decided it would be fun, when writing a blog post, to include a random word from the Google Trends results. Then I could see if I get any hits on my blog from that word. Can you believe that macrame made it in the #2 spot of trends? I think this has something to do with the fashion world, and by all means, I have no spot in that world with my sweat pants, long sleeve shirts, and wool socks.
3 comments:
I appreciate you sharing this. You have no idea how good it is to hear that other people feel the same way sometimes! Thinking about it the way you described it makes me go a little crazy sometimes, which just makes it worse. But really, thank you, and if you ever need to yell at someone, you could call me and say anything you wanted and I'd be okay with it, really!
Aren't hormones great? At least with a little hindsight they are (somewhat) predictable. Still no fun. As for the google trends, I never thought macrame would be in the top 1,000. What a funny world.
OHHHH, the joys of life and motherhood. But you have to consider yourself great for taking the time to analyze things and to become better because of it. OH, and I wish I could have come and cleaned your house for you. I would have if we lived close. That would have been fun!!
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