A Year Ago Today

A year ago today, my father - one of my heroes- passed away suddenly. This past year I have experienced a wide range of emotions after his death. Of course, at first I was angry. I was angry at God that He called my father home. I was angry that my dad, who had fought and struggled with two separate bouts of cancer finally decided that he was done fighting. I was mad that my children wouldn't be able to get to know and love their granddad.

During my angry phase, my faith faltered. I rebelled in a small way, making choices that I knew were wrong, but I didn't really care. It was my way of saying I was hurt and angry. I realized after a short amount of time that this wasn't a healthy way to grieve and I started asking for help and comfort from my Father in Heaven. It wasn't long until I was able to recognize all the blessings that come from loosing someone you love.

I know it sounds morbid to think that there might be something positive that comes from someone's death, but in this case, there was.

My dad was sick. He wasn't able to do the things he would have liked to do, and he was a very active man. He didn't have his health, and to him, his health was a big part of his life. So, in his death, he didn't have to suffer through ill health anymore. I find comfort in knowing that in his life after death he is strong and healthy.

I am thankful that his death was quick and somewhat painless (compared to what we were expecting and anticipating it to be) and that he didn't have to suffer for a long length of time. I'm grateful that we didn't have to have hospice in the home and treat him with palliative care only. I am also very happy that he didn't spend his last days in a rest home, or in a hospital-which probably would have been the case if he would have continued to suffer with his metastatic prostate cancer which spread into his bones.

My father was a very stubborn man. He always told me not to spend my time worrying about him, but to worry about my own family. I told him he was my family and that I would spend time worrying and praying for him if I wanted to.

He was also very, very smart. My father knew everything. And, if he didn't really know the answer, he would come up with a good enough explanation and make it sound like he knew the answer so no one ever questioned him. He was a very analytical man, who thought with his head a lot more than he did with his heart. For this reason, he never accepted the gospel of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Because of this, I was raised in a part-member family. I had a hard time with this growing up and in to adulthood. After I left home and started getting to know my dad, I began to accept this fact.

Without getting too Mormon-y for those of you that aren't familiar with what I believe, I just want to mention that because a year has passed since he died, a very big blessing that comes with his passing is about to take place for our family. I am very excited for this event, and hope that my dad can find his peace and rest.

I know that for the rest of my life this time of the year will be difficult for me. I will always think of my dad during the Christmas holidays. I have decided that he would rather me think of him with fondness than with sadness, so that is my resolve. I will be forever grateful for his role in my life and will honor him for the rest of my life.

I miss and love you, Dad.