Can't sleep? Write a blog post

I tried to retire early tonight (at 9:00pm), because I have been up late the last couple of nights working on a project. I finally finished it, so now I can return to my regular sleeping schedule. I'm tired, don't get me wrong, but I am sick with worry and my mind won't stop long enough to let me go to sleep.

So, instead, I am sitting in front of my computer, squinting my eyes to see the computer screen (since I already took out my contacts, and my daughter broke my eyeglasses a couple of weeks ago) and writing a blog post.

Hopefully I can dump some of these worries onto you, Internet, then I will have peace of mind.

My mom passed the 'worry gene' on to me. I have a snowball way of thinking. Meaning that if there is something only slightly wrong, it will snowball into a huge thing. I think this way mostly about the health and wellness of those I love. It does not interfere with my life in any other way.
For example, if my husband is late coming home from work, then I can almost guarantee that he is lying in a ditch somewhere, his car upside down, and all the blood is pooling in his head. He can't release his seatbelt because his right arm is pinned, and his cell phone is out of reach. Besides, even if his cell phone were within reach, it would be broken and rendered useless. See what I mean?

So, this evening, I knew that my father was going to the night clinic to see a doctor about some water he is retaining. The clinic opens at 5:00pm. I called home at 7:30pm to see how the appointment went, and they weren't there. I called their cell, no answer. I think to myself, 'Why aren't they answering their phone?'. Surely it is because my dad is being admitted into the hospital, or worse yet, they are performing CPR on him because his heart failed.

You think these two scenarios are the only two I came up with during the two hours I waited until I heard from them? Not. even. close. Try at least a dozen more.

You see, my dad is going through another bout of cancer right now. Well, the doctors say his prostate cancer is gone due to the treatments he took this summer. I think that is great news. Now he has beaten two cancers in his lifetime. Pancreatic and prostate. You'd think he were a cat and has used up a couple of his nine lives.

So, technically it is not the cancer he is going through, but the after effects of the cancer treatments. Chemo that ruined his teeth, radiation that affected his internal organs, and now the radiation that ruined his lymph glands (nodes?) in his legs. Hence the reason he is retaining water and has limited mobility. The doctors think another blood transfusion is the answer. We will have to wait and see.

I am (and will be) forever grateful that he is still alive and in my life. I consider it one of my life's greatest blessings right now. However, that does not stop me from having so much anxiety and worry every time the phone rings. It's almost like I am waiting to hear bad news. He tells me not to worry about him and to worry about my own family. Well, I hate to break it to him, but he is my family, and he is a very integral part of my life. I really can't imagine it without him. So, I will continue to worry and fret about him as long as I want to.

*I talked to him when I was in the middle of this post. He is home and resting. He'll have a transfusion tomorrow, which hopefully will help him to eventually rid some of the extra water from his body. I understand the process only a little, but I won't even try to explain it to you, Internet.

I feel better after speaking to him and telling him I love him. Maybe now I can also get some rest. It's amazing how a little conversation, some blogging, and a good cry can make me feel better. The only bad thing, is now I have a headache. This is due to having a good cry and from squinting my eyes through this entire post.