It's been a while since I've blogged. Sorry about that. I'm sorta in a slump. Two years ago, this Friday, is when my dad died. And, even though I thought I had gone through all the grieving process and I couldn't feel anymore pain, I was wrong.
I am missing him like crazy lately, and it is affecting me and my family life.
I broke down last night and had a big bawl fest while sitting on the kitchen floor. It felt good to cry. Kind of like ridding all the built up tension that I've held onto for the last couple of weeks (that's when I noticed the anxiety of the death date creeping in). But, crying makes my head hurt, so I don't do it too often.
When I talked to my mom about how I was feeling, she said she is having a harder time during this second year, too. She made a good point that she thinks it is because last year we had something wonderful to look forward to. A year after my dad's death, we were able to perform his temple work. And this year, while I still rejoice in those sealing ordinances, I feel a little more hollow. More empty.
At the beginning of the month, I had a lot of the Christmas spirit, but slowly that feeling has left and I'm starting to feel like a major scrooge. I have parties to attend that I'm not looking forward to, Christmas cards to send that I don't want to write, and neighbor gifts that I don't want to deliver.
I know my dad wouldn't want me to feel like this, and I'm praying to shake it, but for now, it's here. And, honestly, I'm probably right to assume that I will feel like this around the Christmas season for the rest of my mortal life. It is just the fact of life when you lose someone you love so much near the holiday.
Dad, I love you, and I miss you dearly. You are always in my thoughts, prayers, and dreams. Thank you for being the man that you are. I hope I am still making you proud. I will always honor and respect you.
4 comments:
It's okay to feel that way. And if you need to be a scrooge for a few more years, I say go ahead! You will probably always think about him this time of year, but eventually those thoughts will be less painful.
Hang in there. Sadly, time is the best medicine. It just takes time. We're feeling the same way at our house :(
I am sorry Julie... It feels like when someone you really care about passes away, the grieving comes in waves. I hope that the holiday season can bring you peace and joy, despite the sadness of missing your Dad.
Lu: I love you and want you to know you are in my thoughts! Reading this brings many feelings.... I feel hurt for you and for the loss you are feeling at such a wonderful time of year, the worst time of year to lose a loved one!!!! I think it makes it even harder to lose them around the holidays! It makes me appreciate that fact that my dad is still around and I need to realize that he may not always be there! It also gives me hope, because I know that no matter what we will see our loved ones again! I'm glad you still see your dad in your dreams. I think he knows you need that!!! Anyway, I just want you to know how much I love and miss you and have you in my prayers. I hope the season gets better for you quickly before it is over!!! Hope to see you soon!!!
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